Topic: Naughty Jokes by iamjuki

First Top 10

10. blitzkrieg - the girl asked the boy

girl: do you think i'm pretty.

boy: I think you have the face of the saint..... a saint bernard. "

9. mr. perk - a bf and a gf goes to the motel.

the gf sings: bulilit, bulilit ang liit-liit.

the bf responded: bulilit, bulilit sanay sa masikip.

8. iva rodas - what's the difference between peanut butter and jam? you cannot peanut butter your ummm on someones ummm.

7. astroboy - when a cherry turns red it's ready to be eaten. when a girl turns 18 she's ready to...vote

6. blitzkrieg - a girl asked the boy why he become priest.

girl: bakit ka ba nagpari?

boy: girl, ayaw kasi nilang magmadre ako.

5. NCO - what's the similarity between a banana and an old woman's boobs? they're both "saging."

4. noname - "you cannot taste me unless you take my dress" saging.

3. grandslam - paano nalaman ni pinocchio n kahoy siya? kasi nung pinapalo niya ung unggoy, ayun nagliyab.

2. homer singson - there were two ladies that were molested by two men. The first lady tries to forgive the men .

Lady 1: hindi nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa.

and the second lady reacted.

Lady 2: ay, 'yung sa akin magaling.

1. dexter - condom and napkin talking to each other.

condom: alam mo pag nabenta ka? isang linggo akong bakante:

napkin: eh ako nga, pag pumalpak ka. 9 months akong jobless.

Second Top 10

10. artium - define love. Love is affection with intention for injection in midsection during private session.

9. NCO - anong nangyari kay tweety bird nung nagalit siya? naging "Big Bird".

8. jordan - pano ginagawa ang itlog na maalat? binabalot sa brief.

7. T-camps - what is the maximum speed for sex? 68kph, kasi pag umabot ka ng 69, babaligtad ka na.

6. astroboy - girl1: hinalay ako ng lalaki sa kanto.

girl2: bilis kumain ka ng kalamansi.

girl1: bakit? para sa vitamin C.

girl2: to wipe-off that grin on your face.

5. jasminea - "OPEN WIDE!!! so i can get my tool in your mouth" said the dentist.

4. padjodaep - how are women and tornadoes alike? they make aloud noise when they come and they take the house when they leave.

3. kimpunisher - a guy came home and found his wife only in her undies.

wife: itali mo ako at gawin mo ang gusto mo.

so the guy, tied his wife...... and play DOTA.

2. sasha purse - 3 men died and went straight to hell. the devil informed them that as punishment for their sins, their thingies will be remove.

men: how?

devil: whatever your fathers jobs are.

man1's father is a lumberjack

man2's father is a blacksmith

man3's father is a popsicle maker. now imagine.

1. bongski - what do elephants used as prompons? chip.

Topic: Things to tell a couple, thinking of breaking up by maximo

First Top 10

10. coolaids - "pagisipan mong mabuti at least may kasama ka during weekend (think about it at least you have someone during weekend). "

9. clement dude - "don't bother, you'll end up anyway."

8. mr. perk - "sometimes ending a romance is the only way to save the friendships."

7. lady bumcake - "it's called a breakup because its' already broken."

6. octopen - "breaking up doesn't mean weakness, in many cases it is strength."

5. jp illago - "there's plenty of fish in the sea."

4. parents nigael - "if breaking up means you both go to your respective partner then, GO. "

3. noname - "leave while you're in love" or "leave while there is still love."

2. supah27 - "pagkatapos mong magparetoke ng pagkadami-dami para lng magustuhan ka niya.!!! "

1. noname - "don't end it, mend it."

Second Top 10

10. lady bumcake - "pag natikman mo na, pwde mo ng iluwa."

9. mr. perk - "breakup, why? is there anything to break?"

8. noname - "if it's true love, you don't have to fight so much about it. "

7. sky is so lay - " toss coin n lng" or "bato-bato pick..."

6. young indie - "pag hindi ka na happy sa sex life, meron namng toys for the big boys."

5. luis - "buti ngayon na kesa meron pang anak n madadamay."

4. blitzkrieg - "pag nakalawit na putulin na."

3. jules burn - "can you imagine the rest of your life with him or can you imagine him with someone else. if the answer to both is NO, give it one more try. "

2. ace of heart - "your heart needs a break. "

1. blue feather- "you can't fix something by pretending that it's not broken. "

Topic: The Top Ten Signs That You’re Dumb

First Top 10


10. KiD BuKid – If you got your girlfriend pregnant because you put your condom over your piano instead of your organ.
9. Del Almanzor – If you laugh a full week after the punchline was delivered.
8. Boknoi – Guy1: “Kumusta exam mo?” 
                    Guy2: “Puro blanko.” 
                    Guy1: “Patay!” 
                    Guy2: “Bakit?” 
                    Guy1: “Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo!”
7. Aiko – My brother was given a thermos mug. It said on the box: “Hot 1 hr, Cold 2 hrs”. He said, “Wow, after 1 hour iinit, tapos after 2 hours lalamig? Ang galing!”
6. No name – When you were told to save gas, you started farting in a jar.
5. Rikitingrikiting: Guy1: “Pangit itong sabon, ayaw bumula!” 
                                Guy2: “Tanga, eh hindi ka pa nagbabasa!” Guy1: “Mas tanga ka! Ayan o, nakalagay: ‘for dry skin’.”
4. No name – Mom: “Yung aso gutom na!” Sister: “Sige, papaliguan ko na.”
3. No name – During a spelling quiz, I asked our teacher: “Ma’am, wrong spelling wrong?”
2. No name – (A guy saw his friend type in his password) 
                       Guy1: “Ang pangit naman ng napili mong password!” 
                       Guy2: “Bakit?” 
                       Guy1: “Puro asterisk!”
1. No name – (Sa McDo) Me: “May wi-fi kayo?” 
                                         Counter girl: “Ay wala po, apple fie lang.”

Second Top 10

10. No name – Me: “Anong specialty niyo?” 
                         Waiter: “Ay wala po, puro Lipton lang.”
9. Vorvisurfan – (My friend joined a beauty contest. The Q&A went like this) 
                         Host: “Are you nervous?” 
                         Friend: “Not yet. I thank you.” (Sabay talikod)
8. Al Gore Juice – A colleague once asked the team: “Yun bang Sentral sa BSP, S or C?”
7. Incognito – While I was playing with a firecracker, my mom told me: “Pag naputulan ka ng paa, wag kang tatakbo sa kin!”
6. Isadora – When we drove to Disneyland, we saw a sign saying: “DISNEYLAND LEFT”. My cousin said: “Ay, nakaalis na daw!”
5. Jean – When bank robbers broke into the safe, the bank manager said: “Seal all exits!” Later the guards said: “Boss, nakatakas sila! Sa entrance sila lumabas eh…”
4. Chorizo Solomon – Wife 1: “Mare, subukan mong gumamit ng vibrator kapag wala si pare!” 
                                    Wife 2: “Sinubukan ko na mare. Masakit sa ngipin!”
3. Maldito – Guy: “What’s your sign? I’m a Cancer.” 
                     Girl: “Uhm…I’m a Goiter?”
2. No name – A friend worked as a med tech at a public hospital. When a patient submitted a fecal specimen.my friend said: “Ate, palagyan po ng name”. The woman returned the specimen labeled: “TAE”.
1. Jerguin22 – Teacher: “Who has experienced sex with a ghost?” 
                         Student: “Ako sir!” 
                         Teacher: (shocked) “Really? You’ve had sex with a ghost?!?” 
                         Student: “Ah GHOST ba? Akala ko GOATS…”

Topic: The Top Ten Taray Quotes by Astroboy

First Top 10

10. Addie17 - Back in college, I was walking along Mendiola when this manong came up to me out of nowhere and said: “Hi, beauty!” So I answered: “Hello, beast.” 

9.  Diwata - During a wedding, an aunt asked me: “Kelan ka susunod?” I answered: “Tita naman, how would you feel kung magkita tayo sa burol and I asked you the same question?”

8.  Jen - “Hindi ko sinasabing maganda ako. Ang sinasabi ko lang pangit ka.”

7. Mr. Perk – Girl to a guy she doesn’t like: “Email me na lang at getlost@donttalktome.com”

6. Forg – While studying a difficult lesson in school, a classmate told his groupmate: “I’m as confused as your sexuality!”

5. RC and Cess – Sister ordered burger with no lettuce. Burger arrived with lettuce. When she got mad manager apologized and offered free side order. Sister: “Ang gusto lang, tanggalin ang lettuce, hindi yung bigyan niyo ko ng kung anu-ano!”

4. Hakunamatata – Girl1: Bakit ang sama mo makatingin?

                                 Girl2: Eh ikaw, bakit ang sama mo tignan?

3.  Arvie – “Pag nakikita kita, parang gusto ko mag-sorry sa mga mata ko.”

2.  Glenskie – “Diba pag pangit ka dapat nice ka?”

1. Boknoi – Wife: Bili mo kong bagong bra!

                    Husband: Wag ka na mag-bra, maliit naman boobs mo eh.

                    Wife: Eh bakit ikaw, nagbi-brief?

Second Top 10

10. Xuxalera – After waiting in line so long at the toilet, when I was next in line, a girl approached me and said: “Miss, puwede sumingit? Naiihi na ko eh.” I told her: “Eh ano ba sa palagay mo ang rason kung bakit kami lahat nakapila dito?”

9. Andee/Maymay – When someone told me: “Ang ganda mo!” I answered: “Sana ikaw din…”

8. No name – Annoying classmate: Guys, guys, saan kayo pupunta?

                        Kami:  Papalayo sa yo.

7. Foxmodem – I was an intern 3 years ago in a charity hospital about to circumcise a boy. The mom of the boy bought an ampule of local anesthesia but forgot to buy a syringe. The nurse told her: “Mommy, anong gagawin ko dito sa lidocaine, ibubudbod ko sa tit* ng anak mo?”

6. No name – When we gave coins to a kid beggar, he said: “Hello, ni value meal di ako makabili nito!”

5. Cootchiemhie – Boy: Para akong lalagnatin.

                                Girl: Eh di parang uminom ka ng gamot. Malay mo, parang gagaling ka.

4. Vanilla Ben – Boy: Masarap?

                           Girl: Bumili ka, para malaman mo.

3. No name – Girl sees a guy peeing against the wall: “Yuck, ang liit ng tit*, ang daming bulb*l!” Guy: “Ano gusto mo, maliit ang bulb*l at madaming tit*?”

2. Grace – When the cashier at the grocery said: “Miss, puwedeng kendi nalang ang sukli ko sa yo?” I told her: “Bakit, tsokolate ba ang binayad ko?”

1. Andee – At a swimming pool.

                   Officemate1: I’m sure lulutang ka.

                   Officemate2: Bakit, dahil payat ako?

                   Officemate1: Hindi, dahil plastic ka.

Topic: The Top Ten Signs That You’re Not Doing It Right by Hunter Lizzie

First Top 10

10.   Kikoman – A blind man went to the fish market, and, upon reaching the market, said: “Good morning, ladies!”

9.     Oscardelahopia – If your husband goes: “Araaay! Yung buhok ko, sumabit sa braces mo! Dahan-dahan kasi..” (referring to his bigote, of course)

8.     Camilla Rosa – “Aray! Puwede isang daliri lang ang gamitin, wag tatlo?” (referring to a shiatsu massage, of course)

7.     Maximo – A woman to the doctor who’s examining her breast: “Doc tonsilitis po ang ipinunta ko dito…”

6.     Twylyt – A boy taking an exam rubbed his head with oil. Teacher asked why. He said: “Ang sabi po kasi ng nanay ko sa tatay ko, lagyan daw ng oil yung ulo pag ayaw pumasok…”

5.     Angpaghihimagsiknijoeshred – Kapag sinabihan ka ng: “Hep hep hep, wag kang papasok diyan, labasan yan!” (ng security guard sa club)

4.     Loipogi – When the HR manager returns your resumé and tells you to correct the info under SEX because you wrote: “bi-curious/straight tripper”.

3.     Twylyt – If you think that sex is a pain in the ass.

2.     Meatball – Dad: I love this hospital! Before sleeping they give me Viagra.

                  Son: Why would they do that?

                  Dad: So I don’t fall off the bed.

1.     No name – If she shouts: “Pusod ko yan! Pusoooooood!!!”

Second Top 10

10.   Gracia – If she says: “Titibayan yan?” (after you repair her shoes)

9.     Loi Pogi – If someone tells you: “Bale wala ang dribble pag di naman na-shoot.”

8.     Hellgirl – Kung kahit anong pump mo, ayaw pa rin tumigas. (ang biceps…)

7.     Blitzkrieg – “Start from the base. Squeeze upwards over and over, until may lumabas…” (how to squeeze toothpaste from the tube)

6.     Eggbert – If your blind date tells you: “Miss, what I said was, my name is Ben Dover…”

5.     Ezra22 – Son came home and proudly told his father: “Dad, I just experienced my first BJ!”

                Dad: That’s my boy! Well, how was it?

                 Son: Nakakaduwal pala…

4.     Dennis – If you put the condom on your finger.

3.     Greg – “Wag mong hipan. That’s not what I meant when I said, ‘blow me’…”

2.     Daphnee – A girl found out that her boyfriend killed her cat, put it into siopao, and was currently eating the siopao. She told him: “That’s not what I meant when I told you to eat my pussy.”

1.     Joel – (Couple making out in the dark) Boy: Hindi ka ba nage-enjoy?

                                                              Girl: Paano naman ako mage-enjoy, eh kanina mo pa sinisipsip yung hinog kong pigsa sa dibdib…